My daughter, Ella, is ten years old. One of the more difficult aspects of parenting her relates to her uneven skill development, a hallmark of being on the Autism spectrum. I never know from day to day or hour to hour, where her maturity level is going to be. She has a high school reading level, she is in the 4th grade, but she has the emotional maturity of your average preschooler. It is very difficult to adjust my expectations of her behavior and to temper my responses to her because of that unpredictability.

One particular day recently, Ella seemed to be having a great day, was very approachable, and seemed open to discussion. I had been curious about her meltdowns. At her request, I was brushing her skin with the skin brush from her Occupational Therapist, and applying joint compressions. This home therapy exercise is called The Wilbarger Protocol.

“Ella, do you sometimes know if you are going to lose it after a hard day at school?”

Ella: “Yeah”

“Remember when I told you that when you get in the car and freak out on us, it’s like you become a tornado and throw stuff at us with your words? It would be really nice to know that is coming. It doesn’t happen every time I come get you in carpool. How do you deal with being stressed at school?”

Ella: “I am silent most of the day. I can’t cry unless I get really hurt or something.”

“Your teacher did mention that during our meeting with her and the principal and the school psychologist. How do you feel when you can’t cry or lose control at school when you are stressed out?”

Ella: “Like I am in a cage”

“I am sorry you feel like you are in a cage! It can be really painful to be emotionally restrained and not be able to act the way you would like to. I think it can give you good practice at keeping under control, but I am sure it is hard when things get very upsetting.”

Ella: “It’s good to know that I can manage to not scream and cry even if I feel like I need to, but sometimes it is really really hard. But I don’t want to get in trouble.”

“When you know you have had a stressful day, you’ve been keeping quiet even though the day was difficult, and you KNOW you are probably going to lose it in the car or right when you get home, can you think of something you might be able to tell me to let me know you might have a meltdown?”

Ella: “I think I feel a storm coming on.”

“I think that’s a great idea! If you feel like you’re getting close to a meltdown, can you try to remember to say that? I will try to ask you if it looks like you’re starting to lose it, okay?”

Ella:” OK mama, thanks for brushing me!”

I love when we have the opportunity to talk about meltdowns when she is NOT melting down. I think she did some great communicating, and we made a great connection and a plan for how to work the issue of meltdowns.

Have you had a conversation with your child about how to cope with tantrums in public, or with behaviors at home when you are not in the difficult moment and you could plan ahead for how to handle those situations? How did that go for you? Was it something that adapted well, or am I in for a defiant, tearful “No! I DON”T feel like there’s a storm coming on! Leave me alone!!!!” the next time I try this??